My Struggle and Victory over Depression

I am so tired of everyone pretending to be perfect when we all have our issues.  Why do we think we need to be perfect? Maybe if we all would speak up and be honest with each other we might not have that "I need to be perfect" feeling that we all have.  I don't think I know one person that doesn't have issues but how many of those people will be honest and actually admit to having problems???

My friend @kevingtenney called me a while back and told me he was noticing how I was posting some real authentic, super deep and vulnerable stuff about me.  He asked me if I would talk on a new podcast his wife @bethanytenney and friend @matt_quackenbush just started @findingstrengthpodcast .  It focuses on helping people with everyday life struggles. 

I said "wow this is crazy because I actually have a story that  I’ve never talked about and I have actually been trying to get the courage to talk about it...I’ve had an eating disorder since the age of 12 and for some reason I’m ashamed of it but I know I shouldn’t be especially now that I have gotten over it.  It’s very resent that I got over it and it’s been a scary ride.  I’ve kept a lot of secrets from my husband Dave and so many other people... so yes I will share my story on the podcast hopefully get the strength to talk about it.  And just maybe by opening up about my struggle and victory over depression, eating disorder, mom guilt, self worth, everyday things we all struggle with it might just be what we all need to decide that it’s OK that we are not perfect." 

This was such a scary thing for me and I hope I can help one person! 

Even if no one listens to this episode talking about it has helped me personally!  @matt_quackenbush your words from the counseling side were spot on and the words I needed to hear!  @bethanytenney it was so nice to talk to another entrepreneur mom that understands the mom guilt and the personal guilt! I am so grateful for this opportunity to talk to you both and you two have helped me personally more then you know!!!!!! 

To listen to the podcast go to https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/finding-strength/id1427888816?mt=2

Episode 14 

****************************************************************************

After the Podcast...

I have never shared that part of my insecurity before. I hope that women especially moms can see that we are all different and unique in our own ways, we all can be loved just as we are and that oftentimes the stories we are telling ourselves in our head aren’t true.

I feel so blessed that I have built platform from the cupcake shop where I get the opportunity to help other people through my stories.  I was always scared to talk to people about my struggles.  Why is that?  Why do we feel that we need to be perfect and if we show the truth others will think less of us?  But in reality I don't think less of anyone when they tell me their struggles so why do I think people think that of me?

In the podcast I talk for the first time about an eating disorder I had since age 12.  I never felt like I was enough.  From being too fat, to being Asian, to be adopted, to just hating everything about myself.  My twin sister and I started to purge anything we ate.  We were taking diet pills, laxatives, caffeine pills, to keep us thin...even though we were never thin enough in our minds.  I remember cutting myself to heal the pain...people started noticing that on my wrists and arms so I started to cut my stomach.  I hated my stomach so it felt good to cut it...if that makes sense.

I feel like growing up people didn't like to talk about problems.  You just swept it under the rug and moved on.  I remember when my parents found out we had an eating disorder and they were very upset with us.  I don't blame them for the way they reacted because that's all they knew but unfortunately it made it worst.  I don't want to play the blame game because I do have a great relationship with my parents now but I do want to say that we need to talk about things.  If you don't talk about the problems they can't be fixed...which is why I'm telling you my story.

I think there were a total of 4 Asians in our school.  I was always made fun of especially in elementary school and jr high.  Oh man can jr high kids be mean!  They are just cruel!!!!  High school wasn't as bad but still sucked.  Though I loved being in high school I always felt different and continued to feel ugly and fat.  My twin sister and I would do daily eye exercises trying to make our eyes round and not squint.  Every night I would pray to god to make me white and thin.  I wrote in a journal and that was my escape.  

It sounds so silly but one of the worst times we felt in life was at our church girls camp where each night we would always sing this song called "boom chicka boom" though we loved girls camp we hated this song.  With this song you would sing it in different styles...one being Chinese...where everyone would pull their eyes slanted and sing the song in a Chinese accent.  It was humiliating.  Even though no one was trying to target us nor did they probably think it was mean but it was so embarrassing to be around people squinting their eyes and what was I supposed to do...squint them more..

At age 17 we moved out of our home.  We attempted to get family counseling which was a huge flop. I graduated high school, moved to Orem, attempted to try out for the UVU Cheer team, went one day and felt so ugly and worthless that I never went back.  I compared myself to all these cute tiny girls and thought I would never make it.

I worked worked worked and eventually met my husband Dave. Even though Dave knew the struggles I had from being depressed to my eating disorder he was always there for me.  We got married and my self worth was at a low.  I shut him out but Dave being the man he is wouldn't let me do that...where many people would just walk away, so I'm so grateful Dave stuck it out with me.  We decided I needed to go to counseling where the counselor recommend I get on some anti depressants.  I was very against medicine.  Only crazy people needed medicine...but at that point I felt kinda crazy so I gave it a try.  I felt amazing!  I couldn't believe from the combination of counseling and medicine how much better I felt.  

Well years later I still had that stigma that medicine was terrible for you so I decided one day to take myself off the drug without any medical supervision...terrible mistake.  I have felt suicidal but never like this.  I got back on the medicine and felt better.  

I have always been addicted to exercising and eating good. I always loved to run and I was constantly weighing myself and trying to be as thin as possible. I continued to throw up even through my pregnancies...I know how awful right. I'm disgusted by myself just writing it...after the pregnancies were the worst times for me. Even though I did not have post part um I just hated being fat. My first pregnancy I gained 60 lbs...oh my goodness right ha ha ha. I struggled to loose the weight so I started to not eat, purge if I did eat, and exercised like crazy. It was a vicious cycle which I couldn't get out of. Though I wasn't as depressed as I was I still felt terrible about myself. I always felt like the worst mom, wife, friend, human bean...I never felt like I was enough.

Dave found meditation and self help books/podcast.  I started to listen to podcast which were amazing.  Because of the podcast they talked about how many successful people meditated.  I'll admit I was very skeptical and thought it was weird but I really researched it and found a love for it that has been life changing.  I use the app Calm and it's been my saving grace.  It's helped me look at life in a totally different light.  I meditate everyday and now it's a habit both my husband Dave and I do together.  My girls even love to meditate...I'm still trying to get my son to like it...ha ha.

In conclusion

"it's not thankful people who are happy...it's happy people who are thankful"

I believe this 100% Everyday I wake up and thank god for my kids, my husband, my family, friends, for my amazing shop, employees, and my customers.  I am so very blessed to be able to do what I absolutely love!  I am so grateful for my followers and the feedback you have given me about me telling my story.  It's so scary but when one person messages you and says "thank you for sharing your story, I'm going through the same thing right now and knowing someone else has gone through it is so comforting" I know what I am doing is the right thing even if I get people that look down on me...I don't care!  I love you guys and thank you for following my journey!!!! I would love if you would post the real struggles that you face everyday.  What are you doing to help yourself? Are you needing help to love yourself?